Cotham Park RFC The closest Rugby club to Clifton in Bristol

Gloucester 3 South - Saturday 25th March 2006

Ahhhhh, to play for Cotham Park, what an honour. We don our Black and white strip and stride majestically onto our hallowed turf. To run out like lions, like Englishmen like Cothonians of old, what an honour, I tell you it brings a tear to my eye. Then, as with much of our clubs history, the game degenerates into an absolute shambles and we revert back to the largely hung-over, bordering on obese rugby team that we are. GOOOOOOO COOOOOOOTHAM!!!!

On a dreary day in late March spirits were high pre-match with a surprisingly large turn out, despite the recent fall in training numbers (for Moley the moaning old git!). We welcomed a new face in the shape of Fly-Half Tom from the Bristol Uni Medics team. He has been swept up with the whirlwind sensation that is the ‘Bristol University Medics Player of the Season’ – Oliver Bassett. As well as Tom and Oli, we also welcomed back Gethyn(?) who has been away milking Turtles on a beach in Bratislava for the last year, or something to that effect I wasn't really listening.

Anyway to the game.

Despite his recent crossover to volleyball, we started Quinny in the centre alongside myself in the hope that he must have got all of the bad ones out of the way in training. Dom was on the bench, and we ran out with the team that had played so effectively together in training. This being the first game after the instigation of:

Unless you train, you don't start!!

So we've got a good team, plenty of subs, clean kit, and a soaking wet, miserable bastard of a day! A fantastic day for rugby! We started well and got hold of some good, quick possession. Their annoying twat of an Irish man was locked up in the forwards so the backs had a little more time on the ball to create some good flowing rugby. Sadly due to the conditions and a few loose passes much of the good play came to nothing. That was until a charge down master class from Mr Freegard, who pounced on their fly half and got his large, unemployed bottom in the way of the kick, and Oli pounced on the loose ball to score an easy try. The owner of said bottom missed the conversion; his second (possibly third) miss of the game thus far.

Shortly after the try came what can only be described as a truly awful event. In messy tackle situation the opposition fly half fell awkwardly over the awkwardly large leg of our awkwardly large second row Nev. The noise will haunt me forever (maybe till next week) as his knee snapped and dislocated. His wails could be heard for miles, much the same as those of Will after he got bitch slapped by a thirteen year old in Liverpool. What followed can only be described as farcical. The ambulance was called and the fallen player was wrapped in an old piece of Bacofoil. There he lay on the floor for over an hour whilst we deliberated what action we should take, with regards to our only 20-minute old rugby match.

After much umming and ahhing we finally decided to continue the game on the un-marked second team pitch. The game continued with the opposition taking and scoring their penalty from bang in front of the pipes. Straight from the kick off we surged forward and scored an easy try in the corner, closely followed by another, clearly our interval kicking practice paid dividends by all of our conversion attempts going begging. Eventually the half came to an end and we moved back onto the first team pitch. Conveniently the ambulance had got stuck on the pitch, just to delay the fallen players arrival at hospital just that little bit more! As a result we had to parade across the pitch like a punch of penguin-footed tossers to stamp down the trenches left behind by said ambulance.

The second half came and passed with little to write about. A few tries here and there and more stupid behaviour from the Irish wanker saw us emerge from a scrappy game tired, wet, pissed off at the state of our NHS Emergency services, but victorious! I'll leave Janner to insert the final score and scorers here because I can't really remember. I think Basset got two, which was annoying! And he still didn't pay his subs!