Cotham Park RFC The closest Rugby club to Clifton in Bristol

The New Year is upon us! Christmas has gone, the snow has thawed and the only thing left to remind us of the festive period is 2 inches on the waistline and that shit jumper your Gran was so glad she found for you. Having had 5 weeks off from matches and only 2 training sessions under our belt, it would be fair to say that we were glad to be facing bottom of the table Cainscross as our first game back to blow out some of the cobwebs/mince pies.

According to Gordon ‘I don’t know my arse from my elbow’ Brown, the crime rate in the UK is down, I’d have to disagree as I received a phone call from will 3 hours before kick off informing me he couldn’t play as his car had been broken into. This lead to some last minute reshuffling and a late call up for James Sutherland from the 2s which was not the start to the New Year I was hoping for. Anyway, to the game.

Due to injuries, holidays and emigrations, we took to the field with an unfamiliar looking line up; with Will being tied up with the Federales and George still suffering from his dislocated kneecap, this saw Kiwi line up alongside Ginna, yes GINNA in the Second row. With the tight-head spot now gaping in the absence of John Board and Ginna slotting back this saw John ‘65% fitness is my peak’ Ross have his first start for the 1s this season. The back-row also had to be reshuffled following the long term injury to the always talkative Tom Yaxley and Marcus sacking all of his staff, this saw Wellsy bringing his now poorly disguised black tooth to the party at flanker and the unnecessarily miserable Alec Vincent lining up at number 8. The backs also saw the begrudging return of a familiar face, ole moon face himself Rick Jones was back in his number 10 spot and with Luke away at a Mystic Meg convention, Stuart slipped into the scrum half role.

I lost the toss and the Tangerine Mohawk sporting Cainscross captain elected to play down the slope in the first half. We didn’t think this would be a particularly telling decision, but we were wrong. On closer inspection the pitch had a trench and mound running through the middle of it that without the use of crampons was next to impossible for the lower gradient team to scrimmage up. This wouldn’t have been a problem had there not have been around 15 scrums nestled neatly within this chasm during the first 30 minutes. With our scrum weakened by the aforementioned changes we were suitably under the cosh. The ball was slow coming out and the opposition wielded the scrum at will, illegally, but at will none the less. This meant that the backs were struggling to get clean ball to attack their opposition who were clearly lacking the pace that we had out wide. With the game camped in centre field our defence was resolute and despite us not controlling the set piece and surrendering a lot of possession Cainscross were offering nothing. This was helped by the fact that their 10 had hands like feet and was fumbling the majority of passes under only the lightest of pressure from our flying back row. Eventually some squirty ball came out to the backs on half way, I performed one of the worst steps in recent history, imagine Thora Hird falling out of her stair lift, some how this worked and two of their players trotted towards the wing, I ran through the gap and chipped the ball into the try area. Despite Dom screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO from behind me I scored easily in the corner. Ricky’s conversion attempt bounced roughly 20 yards short of the posts but it was ok because Karl was on hand to offer some constructive pointers which were gratefully received. 5 minutes later and after some more scrum pressure from the Cainscross pack the play became scrappy, when suddenly and from nowhere John ‘Fatlegs’ Cresswell found himself in the vicinity of the ball, he must have been slow in returning from the breakdown 2 plays previous! He hacked through to the line and outstripped his opposing runner to score an excellent try in the corner. With the game becoming more and more disjointed this played right into our hands, there were rucks and mauls everywhere with everyone getting their hands dirty regardless of position. Sadly in two successive collapsed mauls we suffered two identical injuries, both Stuart and Joe popped their ribs. Joe managed to struggle on but Stuart had to leave the field. This saw Rick slot into scrum half, Ross move from full back to fly half and in came debutant Jack Barnes to fill the gap at the back. In broken play we looked dangerous with Julian, Percy and Ross cutting lines through the defence at will. Julian clearly had the beating of his opposite man and following some strong hand offs he crept round the outside and tip-toed along the touchline to score the third try of the half, Ricky converted and we went into half time 17-3 ahead.

We made one change at half time and having struggled through the first half Joe slouched off and we brought on another debutant, Alev Gurdenli(?) or the ‘Turkish Delight’ as he shall be deemed. He slotted into the back row and out strode Wellsy onto wing, an increasingly favoured position for our directionally challenged compadre. It wasn’t until we lined up to begin the second half that we saw the full extent of the slope we had been playing against, our eyes lit up at the prospect of stretching our legs down this ski slope. Initially we had been disappointed by our first half performance but looking back now to keep them to 3 points and to score three tries wasn’t bad going. I think these thoughts were echoed by Cainscross who were far from looking forward to trudging up the slope against a Cotham Park team that were now beginning to fire on all cylinders. The half began and we were straight on the attack, Alec was imperious going forward, whether it was claiming restarts or picking up at the base of the scrum he was handing off his opponents Tyson-esque. This was setting up great attacking platforms for the rest of his pack, with Dom and Alev also making strong inroads into the opposition half. With the defence on the back foot we shipped quick ball out and now it was play time for the backs! The now tiring Cross defence was in tatters, simple backs moves were leaving them bewildered. A simple move ended with me crossing for my second and now we had our tails up! From the kick off we worked back to the corner again and following some concerted pressure from the forwards I went route 1 through the Cross pack to score my hat-trick try. Debutant Jack Barnes took his opportunity to shine and the pace that had been causing so many problem for the 2s opposition was clearly apparent; running from deep he left the now totally fed-up Cross defence clutching at thin air. Pace really was the key to our dominance; the ball was shipped quickly down the line after Dom and Cresswell had been held up short, the ball made its may to the wing where Julian nipped in for his 2nd. This was turning into a rout!! From the kick off their receiver was clattered into touch by the now fired up Cotham pack. From the lineout some scrappy play led to the ball finding its way into Dom’s clutches, he took a typically direct route and bulldozed his way from the 22 to the try line. We were now playing for fun, the Cross spirit was gone and a bit of niggle came into the game, so we went back to the expansive rugby that had seen us dominate the start of the half. Jack scored one himself after a 60m run and then in an almost mirror image play this time off loaded to me to score my fourth. In amongst this try fest Ricky had got his eye in and had slotted 5 from 9 his nine kicks, not bad considering some of the angles he had been left with. With the slotting this last conversion the ref blew his whistle.

I forgot to mention one key moment of the game that was awe inspiring. It involves David Wells and some of the most vintage try avoidance I have seen for many a year. Having received the ball on his favoured left wing he found himself in acres of space. With pace to burn he strived for the line. The defence froze in sight of this as he raced to the half way, the 10 and into the 22. Within sight of the line someone got within 15 metres of him; fearing this unwelcomed freedom David arced his run towards the Cross player. As they reached the 5m line the Cross defender flapped at Wellsy and he collapsed into a heap on the floor, inches short. In Wellsy’s own words had he been 15 years old again he would have run straight to the line, instead we saw him veer off like a broken shopping trolley being pushed by an inbred Forest of Dean-er through an Aldi Carpark!

A convincing win 55-3 that had seen us start off shaky, struggle through some enforced positional switches and then build to a dominant performance. Let us not forget that this was the bottom of the league team and we will need to improve dramatically in our next game at home against Cheltenham Saracens.

Tries

Craig Coulstring (4)

Julian Hoefflin (2)

John Cresswell

Dom Carroll

Jack Barnes
Conv

Ricky Jones (5)
Win 55-3