Cotham Park RFC The closest Rugby club to Clifton in Bristol

And so it begins, the new season is upon us and what a glorious day for rugby! Soaring temperatures, simmering hangovers and the meadow like 1XV pitch made the prospect of a home victory a dodgy prospect, but we began none the less. Traffic problems around the county had meant that the majority of the Tetbronians had arrived only a short time before kick-off, much like our own winger Joe who ambled up as the referees first whistle blow was still fresh in the air. This meant that some last minute substitutions had to be made that saw Jonah, sorry I mean Jonny Saunders take up an unexpected birth on the right wing; a sight that brought a smile to even the most hardened of back-rowers. Despite these last minute changes the team looked good and strong and we began our first game in Gloucester 2 with hope and vigour- if not a little trepidation, not aided by the fact that their captain was built like a brick shit-house and would not have looked out of place in the UFC or a Crimewatch video!

The game began with their bandy fly-half sending a soaring drop kick high into the blue sky. After what seemed like an eternity Will plucked it out of the air and the match began. We immediately took the game to what we expected to be a strong Tetbury team and were pleasantly surprised when they let us bully into their 22 with little opposition at all. A few short phases of play later and we were a try up, some simple crash balls in the centre softened them up and Tom ‘safe hands’ Aspinwall strode over for the simplest of tries. Up stood our fill-in fly-half in the round shape of Nick Comer who easily slotted the conversion from bang in front. The game continued in much the same vain and within 15 minutes we were 3 tries to the good, with myself and Nick crossing easily through some lapse defence. Tetbury then woke up and struck back with two penalties in quick succession. The game then went a little quiet with some tiredness and silly mistakes from both teams leading to stagnated play. That was until the new boy Jamie took one of Marcus’ training drills too literally and clung onto the ball at the base of a ruck like a mother nursing her young. Several Tetbury players took offence to this and used him as practice for a new sport of punch tap-dancing; despite the ‘tenderising’ he took the ref saw fit to show him a yellow. In the following 10 minutes we expected to be put under the cosh, but it only stirred us back into life and we crossed for another score through JB from a quick tap penalty. As half time approached our dominant scrum finally proved too much for the Tetbury pack and through injury to their front row we had to go uncontested. The whistle blew for half time and we knew the second half would be a different proposition with out the solid platform our scrum had been creating now gone.

The second half began in much the same way as the first; with us dominating in the line out, George Walker leaping majestically like a salmon on steroids, the backs cutting through with ease, the back row making 70m runs for fun, all in all we were crucifying them! Some extended breaks for injuries made the 2nd half seem like an eternity, with a bad blood injury to one of their players and Dom taking a flick to the temple the game ground to a halt. We made some substitutions and Marcus went off and was replaced by Foxy, some reshuffling let Jonah back into the pack and Joe recovered from his M5 problems to take up his rightful place on the wing. The game restarted and became a tad stretched to say the least. Their fly half realised he could throw the ball the width of the pitch, and so from a quick penalty they ran wide and scored in the corner. The change in the scrum had meant they stuck their weak centres into the pack and brought their monsters into the back line. This had little effect and we quickly hit back to score through Dom. The heat finally began to take its toll and decision-making went a little bit wayward, luckily this was the case for both teams. I think the real nail in the coffin was when JB scored a searing solo effort for his second, which saw him outstrip their entire back line and run in under the post. He turned around to face his now exhausted chasers and placed a nonchalant touch down that made him look like a slightly weighty Waisale Serevi. The game descended into a sweaty, panting fest with even the energiser bunny Jack Butler taking a knee and using the description of ‘spent’ to describe his physical status. With 5 minutes to go they kicked long only to find a rejuvenated Stringer sweeping at the back, I strode majestically down the wing and offloaded a fantastic forward pass to Ross on probably his 50th support run of the afternoon. He skirted the touchline and scored our 7th and final try. There was just enough time for them to kick off and I think a cocktail of exhaustion and embarrassment at the drubbing finally hit home and tempers frayed. Luckily Will ‘number 19’s a c*nt’ Kite stood firm under a barrage of abuse which culminated in possibly the best abusive line I’ve heard for many a season, which will be where I leave this report.

“Look at you…yes you…I can see it in your eyes…you’re a footballer aren’t you!!! Yeah a f*cking footballer!!!”

Result: Cotham Park 46 – Tetbury 11

Tries: Tom Aspinwall

Craig Coulstring

Nick Comer

John Board (2)

Dom Carroll

Ross Hutchings

Conversions: Nick Comer (4)

Penalties: Nick Comer